It’s that time of year again. Time to take out all your favorite holiday carols, and to tell you why these songs suck. Alright, before you get too defensive, you know it’s true. Besides, it’s all in good fun anyways. It’s fun to take the old songs we love to sing every year as well as the new songs destined to become classics and mock the ever-loving snot out of them. So, let’s get to it. This is the Holiday Hall of Shame 2024. Do you hear what I hear?
Meet Me Next Christmas – Pentatonix
Somewhere, somehow, someone decided that Pentatonix should record new Christmas music each and every year. This year’s offering, Meet Me Next Christmas, is probably the most phoned-in song I’ve ever heard them sing. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the harmonies are tight. I’m somewhat impressed with the mechanics of the song. Sometimes Pentatonix relies too much on Alto Kirstin Maldonado and Tenor Mitch Grassi for the high notes. This has led to hilarious fails as neither Maldonado nor Grassi do a good job reaching soprano notes. With Meet Me Next Christmas, however, Pentatonix seems to have learned to live with their limitations. So why is this song on the list? Well, despite the pleasant-sounding harmonies, the song itself sucks more than an industrial strength shop vac.
Meet Me Next Christmas has no point. It’s like “Yeah, meet me next Christmas, ok. even that’s a year away.” Huh? Why wouldn’t the singer want to meet their beloved sooner? Like maybe THIS Christmas? Ok, ok, never mind, I get it. I get the point of Meet Me Next Christmas. The point is…a cash grab, Yes, I’m calling this song out as nothing more than a capitalistic money maker. The producer who paired Pentatonix with the song probably was like “Eh, this song kind of blows, but no one will notice because it’s wrapped in a pretty package. Well guess what? When you open up a pretty package and there’s nothing but an empty box, you’re going to notice!
Hey Pentatonix, do better next year. Or better yet, don’t do anything at all.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – Steve Miller Band
The start of Steve Miller’s God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen starts out good. Like, better than most of his songs. I know that’s a pretty low bar, Steve Miller suuuuuuucks, but still. The intro to this song gave us hope that Steven Geeeeeeeetar Miller actually recorded a decent song.
And then Stevie Boy opened his freaking pie hole. First off, Miller barely sings on key for God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, but that’s hardly his worst sin. Miller sounds like he’s some sort of automaton. He sounds like he’s being played like an instrument by some off stage puppet master. His vocals are just that boring and uninspired.
After the first verse breaks, we’re treated to a mediocre guitar interlude, and then we hear the same damned vocals we heard a minute before. I’m actually guessing this is even the same track. Miller probably recorded his vocals one time and sliced the track into God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen three times throughout the song. Hmm, come to think of it, Steve Miller’s God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen sounds like it was done by AI. The technology as we know it did not exist back in 1989, but this version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen makes me wonder…
Dance With Santa Claus – Zooey Deschanel
Did anyone else forget Zooey Deschanel existed? Like, I can’t name anything she’s done in the last couple of years. When did New Girl end? Anyways, Dance With Santa Claus sounds like a “Hey, remember me? I used to be famous!” type of song.
Dance With Santa Claus itself isn’t bad mind you. It isn’t good, but it isn’t bad. It’s just kind of there. A fun little dance number that I’ll forget about until next year. Whatever.
Last Christmas – Pistols At Dawn
Pistols at Dawn are known for their adrenaline packed rock songs. Their cover of Wham’s Last Christmas, however, is pretty much the antithesis of every other song I’ve ever heard from Pistols At Dawn. Pick any other song from their catalog, and one might feel like you’re playing an installment of Need for Speed. Last Christmas, however, feels like one is asleep behind the wheel. Like wake up, you’re going to crash into a tree, dammit!
There’s nothing wrong with changing up one’s musical style mind you, but Last Christmas by Pistols At Dawn is so damned boring. Like, sinfully boring. A lot of people hate the original version of Last Christmas, but at least Wham had some fun beeps and bops ร la 80s synthesizers. Pistols At Dawn’s Last Christmas has, well, a whiney vocalist singing about finding a rebound lover. Yawn.
Bizarre Christmas Incident – Ben Folds
Ben Folds used to be a lot more unhinged and usually that was a good thing. In Bizarre Christmas Incident, however, Fold’s wackiness is not a good thing by any measure. Bizarre Christmas Incident tells a tale about a naked Santa, getting stuck in the chimney and suffocating because he was too fat to get through. Yeah, Merry Christmas everyone! Santa died a humiliating death!
Damn yo! Bizarre Christmas Incident is dark! Way too dark.
Little Drummer Boy – Anyone!
I’ve mentioned Little Drummer Boy before as done by Justin Bieber, and also by The Simpson Sisters (Ashley and Jessica, not Lisa and Maggie). But let’s just give a blanket Holiday Hall of Shame raspberry to ANY version of this song. Why? Because the song just sucks! Oh, it sounds pretty (especially the Bing Crosby and David Bowie version) but listen to the lyrics. The song is about a little kid who wants to play a drum FOR A FREAKING NEWBORN! Ok, yeah. Uhhh, Mary just gave birth, and the baby Jesus is probably needing to sleep. But let’s just bang a loud AF drum. All because the little kid with the drum wants to give a gift. Oh, and before you say that Mary gave him permission, all we know is that Mary nodded. She probably nodded NO! DON’T WAKE THE BABY!!!
Also, where are the kid’s parents? Hmm, reminds me of another kid in a bad Christmas song. The kid wanting to get his dying mother a pair of shoes. Hey, I wonder if the Little Drummer Boy is the ancestor of the kid in Christmas Shoes!
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – Gayla Peevey
There’s an animal that lions and crocodiles will not touch. That animal is an adult hippopotamus. Even though a hippopotamus is an herbivore, they have no issue knocking whatever is in its way to the next country. A hippopotamus can and will capsize a boat and kill humans just because they’re in a bad mood.
So why would a little girl want a hippopotamus? Ok, ok, it’s a kid, I get it. Kids get wacky ideas in their heads that aren’t practical or realistic. But this isn’t just a random little kid. This song was published and distributed by a record company because someone thought this kid’s request was cute. Well, it isn’t cute when other kids hear this accursed song and ask for a dangerous human killing animal for Christmas. And it isn’t cute when you tell them no and they cry their freaking eyes out. It isn’t cute, it ain’t cute at all.
While we’re on the subject, giving an animal of any type for Christmas is a bad idea. The average dog lives for about 15 years. The average cat can live up to 20 years. That’s a long time to commit. There are also vet visits, food, cleaning, flea treatments, licenses, and all kinds of other things. This isn’t a gift; it’s a bill for thousands of dollars and a huge time commitment as well. It’s fine if you want to adopt an animal, but giving an animal as a gift is just not cool.
Give your kids my sized Barbie or a tickle me Elmo or whatever the hell the kids are into these days.
The Holiday Hall of Shame 2024 sort of turned into a rant there.
Yeah, I got on my soapbox about the whole animals as gift things, didn’t I? Oh well, it’s your fault for giving dogs and cats and hippos for Christmas gifts. Seriously, a 2000-pound aquatic mammal should not be given as a Christmas present! But I digress. I hope everyone had fun with the Holiday Hall of Shame 2024 reading my inane rantings. If you did, check out previous entries in this series from 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, and 2018. And if you got offended, well, again, this is all about having fun. We know these songs suck, but we love them anyways!
As always, I left one song off the Holiday Hall of Shame 2024. One song so bad, that it has been deemed too bad for even for my snark. So here it is once more. Maybe it will get its snark in 2025.
