It’s that time of year again; time to dust off those old Christmas albums and ask, “who the hell thought this annoying Christmas song was a good idea?” Seriously, some Christmas songs get annoying AF. What makes these annoying Christmas songs annoying? Well, some Christmas songs are just a huge cash grab devoid of any creativity. Some Christmas songs are written with genuine intentions but are just poorly executed. Some annoying Christmas songs are classics that haven’t aged well. Oh, and I can’t forget the songs that would be ok IF they were not shoved so far down our throats every year that we upchuck everything we’ve eaten since Halloween.
Regardless of the reason the Christmas song is annoying, said annoying Christmas songs make me want to scream in languages that do not exist yet. That is why I insist on writing this article every single year. It’s kind of a stress reliever. By ripping these annoying Christmas songs a new one, it makes my holidays a little merrier. So, let’s get to it, shall we? Welcome to the 6th annual Holiday Hall of Shame!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Burl Ives
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is the most successful advertising campaign in history. Seriously, Montgomery Ward invented the character to get people to shop there. Hey kids, want a free coloring book? Tell your parents to shop here! 80 years later, the misfit is still part of our Christmas celebration. Maybe Rudolph would have been lost to time, but in 1949, Burl Ives decided to record a song that spawned the red-nosed one to an iconic status the likes of which had never been seen!
Oh, but Rudolph’s sins are more than just about his capitalistic origins. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is about child endangerment! Yes, the comic book, the Christmas special, and every other piece of fiction establishes that Rudolph was a child. So what does Santa do? He tells Rudolph Christmas will be ruined unless Rudolph flies through a dangerous snowstorm. Yeah, talk about a manipulative psychopath! But don’t worry, Rudolph, you’ll go down in history, after you crash into a mountain that you didn’t see – seriously, that red nose could not have cast that much light!
Funky, Funky Xmas – New Kids On The Block
New Kids On The Block, aka NKOTB, were at the top of their career in 1989. So of course, they had to release a Christmas album because, uhhh, reasons. Let’s be honest, the album “Merry, Merry Christmas” was a huge cash grab capitalizing on the band’s fame. Oh, this cash grab would be fine if NKTOB had stuck to Christmas standards. But no, the five boys from Beantown had to do something original. Did I say original, I meant atrocious. Funky, Funky Xmas sucks so hard, I use it to vacuum my carpet. The chorus is just NKTOB saying “Have a funky, funky Christmas” (what does that even mean?). The verses, well, they’re just lyrics thrown together with no real reason – just random phrases that happen to rhyme.
By the end of the five-minute song, you’ll be reaching for the egg nog – but not because you’re feeling festive – you’ll just want to drink until you forget this accurses song exists.
Drummer Boy – Justin Bieber
Let’s get this out of the way. Drummer Boy is a pretty problematic song. I don’t know much about children, but I do know one of the last things you want to do around a newborn is to play a drum solo. Seriously Mary, why did you permit this kid to beat a drum when your infant is trying to sleep? But I digress. I’ve heard a lot of pleasant versions of Drummer Boy, and the Justin Bieber version is anything but pleasant. Beiber’s sings a monotone and autotuned chorus. I guess I can’t blame Bieber for this – that was the style of the day.
But there’s more. Bieber tries to rap – “try” being the operative word as he fails miserably and yet, Bieber’s Drummer Boy gets worse. The lyrics are worse than NKTOB. Here’s a sample: “Yeah, I’m on the drum, yeah I’m on the snare drum / Yeah, I’m on the beat ’cause the beat goes dumb.” Does that do it for you? No? How about this? “Playin’ for the King, playin’ for the title / I’m surprised you didn’t hear this in the Bible / I’m so tight, I might go psycho.” Wait, did he just try to rhyme the words “Bible” and “psycho?” And did Beiber also say he should be in the Bible? Uhhh, holy heresy, Batman!
12 Days of Christmas – Pentatonix
12 Days of Christmas by Pentatonix is the latest headbanger of a song. I don’t mean this song is metal-this song is not Iron Maiden. What I mean is the Pentatonix version of 12 Days makes me want to bang my head out of frustration. Pentatonix’s version of 12 Days of Christmas starts out fine. Through the first six verses, we get a bit of a whimsical feeling. Verse seven, however, tries to be a jazz number – still not as annoying as it could be. Oh, but verse eight’s techno beat makes us realize we’re in the midst of a fever dream. We find ourselves in Dante’s Inferno and there’s nothing we can do about it. Verse ten’s lobotomized sound makes us wonder what we did to deserve such hell.
As verse twelve ends, we find ourselves curled up on the floor in a fetal position. Our sentence is finally over and purgatory awaits. Oh, but the damage is done. Our sentence has left us with permanent emotional trauma.
All I Want for Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey
I will start by saying I love this freaking song. It’s jolly and cheery and just a lot of fun. So why is “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on the Holiday Hall of Shame? Because Mariah has been overplayed ever since she first sang the song in 1994. All I Want for Christmas Is You is the very definition of an earworm – the song gets stuck in your head just by thinking about it. And you will hear the song – over, and over, and over, and over again. Every Christmas ad, every store you walk into. Do not turn on the radio because every station that plays Christmas music will play this song every hour on the hour – and then some. There is no escape from All I Want for Christmas Is You.
Oh, but it gets worse. Carey’s fans “crowned” her the “Queen of Christmas” because of the dominance of this song. Carey loved it so much, she tried to copyright Queen of Christmas. Spoiler alert, the trademark agency told Mariah to bugger off saying she’s not the only one. And seriously, Mariah Carey should know that there are others! Darlene Love was given the title by David Letterman years before Mariah wanted the title. Besides, who can forget Lucy Van Pelt? But I digress.
The fact that “All I Want for Christmas Is You” inflated Carey’s ego so much makes me never want to hear the song ever again. Shame on you Mariah, shame! I hope Santa leaves you a lump of coal in your stocking.
What annoying Christmas Songs should I do next year?
I always look forward to writing this article. There’s something therapeutic about ranting against annoying Christmas songs. So, with that said, which Christmas songs should I include next year? I almost included Mele Kalikimaka, but I decided to go for Rudolph instead. Less problematic, sure, but more ripe for parody than The Andrews Sisters culturally appropriating yet another culture. But I digress. If you have Christmas songs that deserve to be raked over the lump of coals that Santa brings me every year, let me know in the comments. And if you missed the earlier entries, well – go read Volume 1, Volume 2, Volume 3, Volume 4, and Volume 5 right now!
With that said, I once again leave you with Steve M’s uh, interesting, version of O Holy Night. I remember playing it once for my grandma, and she didn’t get that it was a joke. “Oh, that’s a nice little song.” Oh Grandma, I miss you!