It’s that time of year all! Time to dish up that terrible, terrible Christmas fruitcake. Wait, fruitcake? This is a music website, what does Christmas fruitcake have to do with anything? Yeah, sure, at this time of year we get literal fruitcake, but we also get a figurative form of Christmas Fruitcake. Every year we get the same old, stale, Christmas songs, like a yearly serving of a terrible loaf of bread and fermented cherries which no one actually likes.
So, peel back the plastic, and try to hold your nose as we dive into this year’s Christmas Fruitcake in the form of five bitter holiday songs.
Bah Humbug – Pentatonix
I feel like it isn’t the holidays without a really bad Pentatonix Christmas song. I got a little scared this year, because their new album, Christmas in the City, is really fun and a great listen. Did they forgo their Christmas tradition of cramming more garbage down our throats? Oh wait, no. they kept their tradition, because the fifth track on the album, Bah Humbug, sucks.
Bah Humbug sounds like someone got a concept in their head and forgot to flesh it out. The chorus is ok, I guess. At times Bah Humbug is so repetitive, I wonder if it was written by AI. Also, do we need a full song about Ebenezer Scrooge?
As far as the execution, mostly Pentatonix does a decent enough job. That being said, a common complaint about Pentatonix I’ve had in the past, they need a proper soprano! Seriously, when mezzo-soprano Kirstin Maldonado hits that high note mid way through the song, it sounds less like singing, and more like a slasher movie scream.
Ok, maybe Bah Humbug doesn’t suck. Maybe Bah Humbug isn’t really a bad song, it’s just not a great song. That’s ok in an album full of songs, there’s bound to be a few mid tunes. Did I mention that Bah Humbug as the lead single? I guess that’s my main complaint. I mentioned before that I really enjoyed the new album, but putting Bah Humbug as the lead single is just a bad decision.
Ave Maria – Everyone and their monkey!
Ave Maria is a standard and the trend just needs to stop already. If you didn’t know this, Ave Maria is literally the Roman Catholic “Hail Mary, fulll of grace” prayer.” Yet, everyone and their monkey has to do their own version of Ave Maria. Protestants sing Ave Maria. Atheists sing Ave Maria, even a Buddhist Monk sings Ave Maria. Why? Why does everyone have to sing Ave Maria? Is there some blood contract vocalists must sign which states they must do their own version of Ave Maria?
That’s my big complaint about the song. It’s been done to death. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re someone who believes in praying to the Virgin Mary, knock yourself out. But if you’re doing Ave Maria for any other reason, please stop. I don’t care if it’s Schubert, Please just stop.
Nuttin’ for Christmas – Barry Gordon
The kid in “Nuttin’ for Christmas” shows some sociopathic tendencies. This kid physically assaults other kids, destroys their mom’s plants and rugs, and even puts a tack on his teacher’s chair. Seriously, none of this is ok. This kid is a bully, and needs professional help.
And there lies the problem with Nuttin’ for Christmas. Instead of getting the kid in Nuttin’ for Christmas the help they need, the parents (or whatever adults behind the scenes) make the kid sing a cute little song. This is a kid who broke a bat over his friend’s head! That’s pretty hardcore!
Can we get a welfare check on this kid’s home life? This kid has got to be learning their behavior from someone. I’m wondering what his parents are teaching him at home!
Where Are You Christmas – Faith Hill
Taylor Momsen sang a sweet little song all those years ago for the live action The Grinch that Stole Christmas live action movie. And then Faith Hill murdered the song during the end credits. Hill smothers the pathos like butter on toast, all the while boring us to death. I may or may not have had to listen to this song three times because I kept falling asleep while trying to write about Hill’s version.
Do yourself a favor, skip Hill’s uninspired version, and listen to to either the OG Momsen version, or her more grown up rock version with The Pretty Reckless.
Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives
Holly Jolly Christmas is a fun song filled with holiday cheer, or so they want us to believe! It’s actually sung by a pervert. Don’t believe me? Well, take a look at the lyrics of the bridge: “Oh-ho, the mistletoe / Hung where you can see / Somebody waits for you /Kiss her once for me.”
Yep, the old man singing Holly Jolly Christmas wants to watch while you and your partner make out under the mistletoe. That’s really gross.
Did you enjoy this year’s Christmas fruitcake?
Yes. I’ve been doing these lists of bad Christmas songs for eight years! Holy smokes! Every year I feel like I’ll not be able to find enough songs to put on the year’s list, and every year I surprise myself! In case you want more Christmas Fruitcake, well, uhh, LINK!
Anyways, this is the part where I talk about what’s coming up next on AudioPerfecta. And there lies the problem, as I really don’t know off hand. If you’ve been paying attention, I haven’t been giving AudioPerfecta a lot of attention. That’s because I have been writing a metric ton of long form fiction, which isn’t really relevant to music blogging. So…yeah. There’s that. I’m probably going to publish a few playlists here and there, but for the time being, I’m going to be focusing on my novelas. That being said, I’ll probably be writing a blog post at aaronjedwards.com about what I’ve read over the past year. The good, the bad, the ugly. All that good stuff.
Anyways, thank you so much for indulging my snark with this list of Christmas Fruitcake. As per tradition, here is the one song that I always promise will be on next year’s list, but somehow never seems to make it. Have fun.