About six months ago, I started a new series called snarky snippets. The format is basically to take a song and make a short, snarky remark of said song. I started the series out by doing the top hits of 1980-1982. Today, I will continue the series by snarking the number one hits of 1983 and 1984. I take all my chart data from top40weekly.com – so if you see an error in the rankings, then maybe go yell at them. I kid, I kid. This is, after all, an article about snark.
Before I dive into the slaughter of your favorite songs of 1983 and 1984, a few words about the formating. The song title and artist are in bold, followed by the dates the song was number one on the charts. If a song was number one in two non consecutive time frames, it gets two entries. Fairly simple, so let’s get to it…
1983
Maneater – Hall & Oates: (1/1/83-1/14/83) Starting the year off with cannibalism I guess.
Down Under – Men at Work: (1/15/83-2/4/83) Has anyone else wondered where the vegemite sandwich came from? It’s like he pulled it out of nowhere.
Africa – Toto: (2/5/83-2/11/83) Hey Toto, I don’t think we’re in Australia anymore.
Down Under – Men at Work: (2/12/83-2/18/83) Seriously, where the hell did that vegemite sandwich come from?
Baby, Come to me – Patti Austin with James Ingram: (2/19/83-3/4/83) If you were a child in the 80s and heard this while falling asleep, your younger sibling was being conceived.
Billie Jean – Michael Jackson: (3/5/83-4/22/83) Did MJ ever do a paternity test? Because I think he might be lying about not being the kid’s father.
Come On Eileen – Dexys Midnight Runners: (4/22/83-4/29/83) MJ claims that’s all he did to Billie Jean.
Beat it – Michael Jackson: (4/30/83-5/20/83) See MJ, that’s what you should have done when you met Billie Jean.
Let’s Dance – David Bowie: (5/21/83-5/27/83) Aren’t you glad I didn’t make another Michael Jackson sex joke?
Flashdance…What A Feeling – Irene Cara: (5/28/83-7/8/83) The jingle, Oh what a feeling, Toyota, premiered just two months after this song hit the number one spot. Coincidence? I think not!
Every Breath You Take: – The Police: (7/9/83-9/2/83): The police are watching you. Talk about government surveillance gone wild.
Sweet Dreams are Made of These – The Eurythmics: (9/3/83-9/9/83) Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to diss a brie? Travel the world and the cheddar cheese – everybody’s looking for stilton.
Maniac – Michael Sembello: (9/10/83-9/23/83) Just because she’s dancing like no one is watching, doesn’t mean she’s a maniac.
Tell Her About it – Billy Joel: (9/24/83-9/30/83) – In the early 80s, Billy Joel got on a doo wop kick. We still don’t know why.
Total Eclipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler: (10/1/83-10/29/83) This song might have influenced Stephanie Meyer to write the Twilight saga. For this, we shall never forgive Bonnie Tyler.
Islands in the Stream – Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: (10/30/83-11/11/83) I don’t want to insult Dolly Parton, but this song wangs chung.
All Night Long – Lionel Richie: (11/12/83-12/9/83) And yet another of your siblings was conceived.
Say Say Say – Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson: (12/10/83-1/20/84) What what what?
1984
Owner of a Lonely Heart – Yes: (1/21/84-2/3/84) Tis better to have loved and loss, than to never loved at all.
Karma Chameleon – Culture Club: (2/4/84-2/24/84) Boy George pissed off every fundamentalist in the English speaking world. It was fun to watch!
Jump – Van Halen: (2/25/84-3/30/84) Ball pits started appearing at about this time. Maybe this song had something to do with that!
Footloose – Kenny Loggins: (3/31/84-4/20/84) Who the hell are Jack, Milo, and Louise?
Against All Odds (Take a look at Me Now) – Phil Collins: (4/21/84-5/11/84) Yeah, this song is depressing AF.
Hello – Lionel Richie: (5/12/84-5/25/84) This song is even more depressing!
Let’s Hear it for the Boy! – Deniece Williams: (5/26/84-6/8/84) I don’t particularly like this song, but at least it isn’t depressing.
Time After Time – Cyndi Lauper: (6/9/84-6/22/84) I have nothing negative to say about this song. In fact, if you hate this song, you’re not human! This is a perfect freaking song, dang it!
The Reflex – Duran Duran: (6/23/84-7/6/84) This song brings back painful memories of the doctor hitting my knee with that little hammer. Testing my reflexes? I think not. The doctor just wanted to make me cry!
When Doves Cry – Prince: (7/7/84-8/10/84) Fun fact. Prince never learned the difference between a dove and a pigeon. Ok, I just made that up.
Ghostbusters – Ray Parker Jr.: (8/11/84- 8/31/84) Who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!!!
What’s Love Got to Do With It? – Tina Turner: (9/1/84-9/21/84) Have you ever listened to the lyrics to this song? It’s more depressing than Hello and Against All Odds!
Missing You – John Waite: (9/22/84-9/28/84) When I first heard this song, I always thought the song should be “I ain’t pissed at you.” Give me a break, I was nine years old.
Let’s Go Crazy- Prince & The Revolution: (9/29/84-10/12/84) Fun fact. This song is actually the song maniac, but from the viewpoint of the dancer. Ok, I just made that up.
I Just Called to Say I Love You – Stevie Wonder: (10/13/84-11/2/84) No Christmas, no spring, no Halloween, no June, no Thanksgiving, and no other special day or time of the year but it’s ok because I love you!
Caribbean Queen (No More Love on the Run) – Billy Ocean: (11/3/84-11/16/84) This song is mid, but the name Billy Ocean is such a great stage name! No hate, no snark.
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham: (11/17/84-12/7/84) Jitterbug! Jitterbug!
Out of Touch – Hall & Oates: (12/8/84-12/21/84) Why wasn’t “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” not number one? WELL TONIGHT THANK GOD IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU!
Like a Virgin – Madonna: (12/22/84-2/1/85) This song hit number one right before Christmas. I wonder if Madonna was talking about the Virgin Mary.
That’s all for the number one hits of 1983 and 1984
Did I go overboard with the Michael Jackson jokes? Yes, the answer is yes. Wow. I kind of feel ashamed of myself – or at least I should. Well, if I offended anyone, just know it was a joke and nothing more. I mean “Come on Eileen?” followed by “Beat it” what was I supposed to do?
In all seriousness, this was so much fun, I almost included 1985! That would have made this article a little too long though. Focusing on the number one hits of 1983 and 1984 was enough. 1985 will have it’s day, I promise!
That’s all I have for now. As always, rock on, and rock steady!
